7. Robin Hood

Name: Robin Hood (He lives in the Sherwood Forest.  No, seriously, that’s the name of the tract/community/development.)

Where It All Began: He is the brother of my cousin’s husband (I’ll wait while you get a calculator and a map of Arkansas to figure that out…)

The Date:  Robin Hood was one of the people I knew I could count as one of my fifty dates before this blog was ever published.  We have met multiple times at family events and as far as I could tell, he seemed like good people.  Every now and then, Mrs. Ninja (his sister-in-law/my cousin) would tell me some ridiculous story about Robin Hood.  He has a son , the by-product of which is of course, a crazy ex-girlfriend who he will never be rid of.  I had also heard about his jealousy issues (over things his brother has, not necessarily being a jealous boyfriend), his strong desire to get married and have a family, and so on.  None of the stories I had been told were bad enough to make me think negatively of Robin Hood.  I had always known him to be funny, somewhat charming, and even kind of cute.  Every time we met up, it was usually in the company of the Ninjas, so eventually we made plans to hang out one on one.  On multiple occasions, either he or I cancelled the plans.  These cancellations were never a big deal and usually occurred days in advance.

This past weekend, I received a text message from Robin Hood with a photo attached showing off some delicious looking homemade meal he prepared himself.  I jokingly asked when he was going to invite me over for dinner and a movie.  He responded and we made plans to do dinner and a movie at his house.  I reluctantly agreed to make the one hour journey to the Sherwood Forest in hopes of finally hanging out with Robin Hood and being able to count it toward my goal of fifty first dates.  A day before the date, he asked if we could push the start time from 7:00 pm to 8:00 pm because he wanted to work out with some buddies.  Ok, fine.  That would give me more time to get ready, make the fruit salad I had promised, stop to get Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never on DVD, and embark on my trek.  Fast forward to 8:00 pm when I sent a quick text message to let Robin Hood know I’d be about 10 minutes late.  The Sherwood Forest is far far away from my house and I needed the extra time to navigate the wilderness.  I pulled into his driveway at 8:10 pm only to notice the absence of his truck.  I shrugged it off and knocked on the front door.  Peering into the open windows, I could see all the way through the house.  Piles of laundry mounded on the couch, lights on in the kitchen, and his dog going insane in the backyard.  Surely, he was home.  After a few minutes of repeated knocking, I placed a call to Robin Hood.  Maybe he was in the backyard firing up the grill?  No answer.  I wandered around a bit and started thinking that maybe something had happened to his son or that he had run to his parents’ house down the street for a cup of sugar.  I waited a total of 15 minutes before getting back in my car.  I decided that because my parents live about 10 minutes away, I’d pop in and see if they’d feed me dinner considering mine was M.I.A.  As I was driving, I called Mrs. Ninja in a fit of rage, but at the same time, my caller ID informed me that Robin Hood was trying to reach me.  I answered, “Yes.  Hello.”

“Hey, where are you?”

“Driving to my parents’ house for dinner.”

“I’ll be home in a few, we decided to run four extra miles, so turn around.”

“I’m pissed.  I’ve been at your house for 15 minutes.”

“Yeah, well it was only 15 minutes, you can still turn around.”

“Next time.”

“Well, it really isn’t that big of a deal…”

“Yeah, if I had been there at 8, I would have been waiting for 30 minutes before getting this call.”

“You’re mad?”

“Yes.”

“Ok.  Well, we’ll hang out next time.”

Click.

I ended up at my parents’ house just in time for them to throw an extra burger on the barbeque.  My date with them was fantastic.  Definitely wasn’t a first date as I’ve had more dinners with them than with any other human beings, but still pleasant.  After dinner, I drove an hour back home and collapsed in bed, still angry.  This morning, I ate the fruit salad for breakfast.  It was scrumptious.

Deal-makers:

·         None.  This is an unforgiveable offense.  Acting like a total douche overshadows any positive qualities he may possess.

Deal-breakers:

·         Is totally non-committal.  It took months to actually schedule this date because apparently it is absurd to plan your Saturday on Tuesday.

·         Has a child; therefore, also has baby mama drama.

·         Would rather run four extra miles than hang out with me.

·         Doesn’t know how to answer phone calls, text messages, or doors.

Would I Date Him Again?  Nope.  We didn’t date before.  We didn’t date last night.  We won’t date in the future.

Oh, and this counts as a date given my investment of time, effort, emotion and the fact that I wasted a so-cute brand new shirt on nothing.