6. Wings

Name: Wings (because this is what Red Bull gives you… I’ll explain in a minute)

Where It All Began: Internet Dating Website (free)

The Date:  Because my prospects on the paid internet dating website seem to be dwindling, I decided to join a free dating site.  Also, I’d like to conduct a little social experiment in which I date guys from both paid and free sites to determine whether or not you really do “get what you pay for.”  So far, the biggest advantage of the free site (aside from the fact that I didn’t have to enter my credit card number) is the willingness of men to freely contact you via email with an invitation to meet up or at least start exchanging text messages.  My friends know that I’m basically a text message whore when it comes to communication with the opposite sex.  No, I don’t exchange dirty messages or photos.  That’s what politicians do.  I simply prefer this as a method of communication with men because most of them cannot seem to string words together in order to hold a proper conversation for longer than three minutes.  This is understandable given the NBA Playoffs, work schedules, dating multiple women at the same time, and the fact that they’re dudes (it’s electronic, it’s short, it’s easy, it’s instantaneous).  Texting eliminates the annoying and often delayed and drawn-out email exchanges that are often critical to online dating.

Now, how does all that relate to Wings?  Simple: after two emails, he sent me his phone number asking to text.  We exchanged texts for less than a week before deciding to meet up.  We met at a restaurant/bar for Happy Hour.  With great joy at the prospect of returning to a pattern of having an adult beverage on a first date, I deviated from the Happy Hour menu and ordered a mojito.  I don’t know if that’s what prompted the thirty minute discussion about the Happy Hour menu and the fact that it was so cheap and such a good deal, but that’s the conversation that ensued.  And by conversation, I mean monologue.  Don’t get me wrong, the guy was extremely nice and is good at talking without boring a girl, but I probably spoke one word for every ten of his.  As I was beginning to wonder whether his chattiness was a product of nerves or nature, he began to tell me about what he’d eaten that day.  Salad as a snack a few hours earlier and a Red Bull not long after as an afternoon pick-me-up.  No wonder he couldn’t shut up, he was all jacked up on caffeine.

I continued to use my listening skills as I snacked on appetizers and what had to be the strongest mojito ever poured.  He skipped along, telling one story after another until he had to pee.  When he excused himself to the bathroom, I whipped out my phone to see that my sister, Casper, had texted me about Justin Bieber and that it was also 9:30 pm.  I quickly typed a message back to Casper ensuring her that I would enter the radio station contest for the Bieb tickets.  I hit send and Wings had returned to the table announcing that three and a half hours had somehow gotten away from him and that he needed to let his dog out (or in, I can’t remember, even though the caffeine had worn off a little, the words were frantic and my temperature was rising due to the phenomenon known as Bieber Fever).  We walked outside and he noticed that I had kicked a dollar bill.  He picked it up and asked if it was mine.  It looked just like all my other dollars, so I claimed it.  I then walked him to his truck and we hugged goodbye and made half-assed plans to hang out at a baseball game over the weekend.  My car was parked in the next parking lot, which happened to be reserved for a funeral home, but was also the closest spot I could find as the restaurant lot was full.  I felt simultaneously annoyed and creeped out that he hadn’t offered to walk me to my car, especially when I could have been kidnapped by ghosts.  I climbed into the driver’s seat and noticed that there was a twenty dollar bill on the seat.  Either I crap money or the $21 I made that night were already mine.

Deal-makers:

·         Has hot friends.  (I’ve seen photos and I’ve made a note of this because I still need to meet 44 other dudes.)

·         Won’t ever run out of anything to say.

·         Is the human version of Yelp when it comes to bars, restaurants, and recreational activities in the area.

·         Drives a truck.

·         Went to college.  (This one’s for you, Hate.)

Deal-breakers:

·         Won’t ever run out of anything to say.

·         Overused the words “money” and “success.”  It’s nice that you have these, but I’m only maybe mildly impressed.

·         Says his dog doesn’t like other dogs or other people.  Dogs love me, but this makes me want to study up on my Cesar Milan in the event there are multiple dates.

·         Drives a white truck. (Some of my friends and family may know that on a list I created in high school describing the ideal man, it was imperative for my date/boyfriend/husband/baby daddy to drive a red or black truck.)

·         Didn’t walk me to my car.

Would I Date Him Again?  Probably.  This way, he might be able to learn a thing or two about me.